Thursday, February 16, 2012

Church Shopping Exposed ?

Church Shopping Exposed

We’re here this Sunday morning in the lobby of What’s Happening Community Church, located in the suburbs of Caucasian Falls, USA.  A couple new to the church has just exited the service and has approached the preaching pastor.  Let’s listen in.

Pastor:  Good morning!  You’re new, right?

Joe:  Hi. Yes,  I’m Joe and this is my wife, Jill.

Pastor:  Great to have you here this morning.

Jill:  Yes, first time here.  Really loved the service.

Pastor:  Well, God bless you both.

Joe:  Do you have a moment? We were just wondering if we could ask you a few questions.

Pastor: Sure. Fire away.

Joe: How many services do you have here?

Note:  This is code for: “I like to sleep in late on Sundays.”

Pastor: Oh, we have three identical services.  A Saturday night and two Sunday morning.

Joe: Great. I really liked the sermon this morning.  It is so good to hear a sermon with meat, not the kind that’s, well, you know, milk.

Note: This is code for: “I listen to a lot of Christian talk radio, and I want my sermons to sound just like my favorite Christian radio personality.”

Pastor: Well, you’ll find that we just preach from “The Word” here.

Note: This is the typical response that pastors have to these kinds of questions. I think there’s a seminary class that coaches them on these answers.

Joe: Do your sermons always run that long though?

Note: This is code for: “It will be football season soon, and I don’t want the sermon to eat into the pre-game show.”

Pastor: Well, you’ll find that we just preach from “The Word” here.

Jill: I take it that you have a children’s ministry?

Pastor: Yes, we have an excellent children’s ministry.  We have programs up to sixth grade on Sundays.

Note: Jill is secretly relieved at this statement, since she goes to church in part to get away from her kids.

Jill: Do they have an indoor jungle gym?  Because First Baptist down the street has an indoor jungle gym and the kids just love it.

Pastor: No I’m sorry, we don’t have one.

Note: Wrong answer. The pastor makes a mental note to talk to the facilities director about installing that zip line and climbing wall next to the snack bar.

Jill: Oh. That’s really too bad. How about Junior High or high school? Is it very big?  Do they play loud rock music there?

Note: At this point, the pastor must make a critical decision. On one hand, they could be the kind of couple who don’t want rock music influencing their teenage children. Or they could be a couple that have teenagers who desire a more cutting-edge program.  It’s a coin toss, really.

Pastor: Uh, the answer is…Yes?

Joe: Oh good.

Pastor: Yeah! In your face, First Baptist!

Jill: Excuse me?

Pastor: Uh, I said, lovely place, First Baptist.

Jill: Oh.

Pastor: Do you have any other questions?

Joe: No, I think that’s it. Thanks so much for your time.

Pastor: So, will we be seeing you next week?

Jill: Yes, we think so. Thanks so much.

Pastor: Well that’s great!  Just wonderful!  Make sure you visit our coffee bar on the way out.  Tell them the mocha frappuccinos are on me!

Jill: Oh, golly.  You know, Joe is lactose intolerant.

Joe: Yeah, well, I’m afraid we won’t be coming back after all.

Note: Joe and Jill leave, disappointed, but ready to go shopping again next Sunday.  The pastor chases after them…

Pastor: But…but…did I tell you about our free gym membership?!

[Photo compliments of] source:

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